So many words #014 - Conspiracy theories

This is what Alan Greenspan looks like when he is not busy deceiving the sheeple

Though not particular to America, conspiracy theories (陰謀論 yīnmóulùn) are in essence something truly American; a thorough rejection of established concensus and a vigorous, slightly misguided defense of the rights of the individual. And in this age of science and reason, they seem only to be growing more popular than ever. 

Note that members of conspiracy subcultures generally refer to those outside their community as "sheeple", a fiendishly clever portmanteu of "sheep" and "people". For this word I have coined the neologism 羊民 yángmín, which corresponds nicely to the original English word.

How to make your own RANT in Chinese

Those familiar with conspiracy theories will be aware that they usually come in the form of inspired rants, which I in this lesson I will teach you how to construct in Chinese. Our first rants will be simple, consisting of only Antagonists and Alleged crimes. Potential future installments will cover more complex conspiracies. Finally we will look at some Proposed solutions to the predicaments facing our troubled planet.

Antagonists:

• 猶太人 yóutàirén - jews. 
• 美國政府 Měiguó zhèngfǔ - the American Government. 
• 爬蟲人 páchóngrén - reptilian. A common theory among conspiracy theorists, popularized by luminaries like David Icke, is that the world's financial and political elite are actually a race of ancient reptiles disguised as humans. Most likely this is just a semi-clever way to say J-E-W-S without getting thrown in jail.
• 共濟會 gòngjìhuì - the Freemasons. 
• 光照派 guāngzhàopài - the Illuminati. 
• 小灰人 xiǎohuīrén - the Grays. 
• 聯儲局 liánchǔjú - the Federal Reserve. Responsible for the issuing of fiat money, the source of all evil (see below).
  

Alleged crimes:

• Put fluoride in the water supply:  ∼ 在水的供應中添加氟化物. Many cities add fluoride to their water supplies in order to prevent tooth decay in the population. What you may not know is that this is actually a way for the government to weaken your mind so that you will be more susceptible to the mind control rays emitted by HAARP stations.
• Sprayed chemtrails:  ∼ 在 ∼ 噴了毒雲. This is a common conspiracy theory which says that condensation trails left by airplanes are actually poisonous gases being released to weaken the immune system of the population and facilitate a massive depopulation of the planet. Since no official term seems to exist for this I have coined the term 毒雲 dúyún from 毒 dú poison and 飛機雲 fēijīyún - condensation trail. 
• Issued fiat money: ∼ 發行了不兌現紙幣. Fiat money is money that is not backed by gold but rather by the government's promise that it will accept it as legal tender for payments of taxes. Detractors contend that this allows a shadowy banking elite, that may or may not be J-E-W-S (or reptiles disguised as jews, see above) to rule the world through control of the money supply.
  

Constructing a rant:

Central to the idea of the conspiracy is the cover-up. In the basic construction we will use in this lesson, one Alleged crime will have been used to cover up another. 以 yǐ at the start of a subordinate clause means in order to, and the construction 掩蓋…的真實 cover up the truth of smth will be used after that. A basic rant then looks something like this.

猶太人與美國政府在發行不兌現紙幣，以掩蓋政府在水供應中添加氟化物的真實

Jews and the American government are issuing Fiat Money in order to cover up the truth that the government is adding fluoride to the water supply.

The rant can be expanded by adding additional Antagonists or Alleged crimes.

小灰人，共濟會，猶太人和美國政府在堪薩斯州噴了毒雲，以掩蓋聯儲局在發行不兌現紙幣的真實 

Grays, freemasons, jews and the government sprayed Chemtrails in Kansas in order to cover up the truth that the Federal Reserve is issuing Fiat Money.

Now try making your own!

Solutions:

Finally we will cover three commonly mentioned solutions to these problems:

• 膠態微粒銀 jiāotài wēilìyín - colloidal silver. Popular home remedy in the conspiracy subculture. Only known cure for diseases caused by chemtrails.  Side-effects may include argyria, a form of silver poisoning that turns the user's skin blue. 
• 金本位制 jīnběn wèizhì - the gold standard . Omnibus solution for any problem ailing the planet, the gold standard will deprive the evil banking elite of its power to control the world through the issuing of fiat money (which is also known as 法定貨幣 fǎdìng huòbì) and usher in a new era of free banking which will of course be completely problemfree.
• 使大麻合法化 shǐ dàmá héfǎhuà - legalizing marijuana. Because after overthrowing the banking elite, nothing is better than toking up with some grass you just bought with your gold dublons.